So, got tickets to an upcoming concert or festival? Awesome!
What’s decidedly not awesome, is the price of alcohol at these events. Let’s face it, these are times of economic hardship! It’s pratically un-American to charge such exorbitant prices for booze. $12 for a Jack and Coke? Really??
Thankfully, as long as venues have been overcharging for liquor, the best and brightest have been coming up with ingenious methods of sneaking booze into them. Here are nine of the best.
- Your Body: The oldest and simplest way to sneak booze into a venue? Easy just show up already smashed. While this may be the worst method in terms of sustaining your buzz throughout the show, it’s the least likely to get you thrown out. Just remember to hold it together long enough to get through security.
- A Flask: When and how did flasks go out of fashion? Seems like the gentlemen of yesteryear always had a tasty nip of bourbon at the ready in a trusty flask. Truth is, flasks are still a great option for smuggling in booze. If you’ve got a metal six or eight ouncer try hiding it in your boots. Ever seen security make someone take off their shoes? Exactly. If you aren’t wearing boots or are afraid of metal detectors, grab aflexible flask and tuck it near your unmentionables. Trust me, Bubba ain’t patting you down there. Plus others will be less likely to ask for a sip.
- The Beer Belly: One of the more modern breakthroughs in booze smuggling, the Beer Belly, is a great option. Upside: it’s got a hose for easy dispensing that doesn’t require you to sneak into a bathroom to add booze to your drink. It also holds a whopping 80 ounces of your favorite beverage. Downside: your potbelly won’t exactly drive the babes wild.
- The Wine Rack: Ladies I didn’t forget about you. Now granted you can probably just go to the nearest male security guard, flirt a little, and walk straight in with two handles of vodka but what’s the fun in that? For something a little more covert, try the Wine Rack, a bra that works like the Beer Belly. Not only do you get 25 ounces of your favorite drink, but you’ll also be turning plenty of heads with your artificially augmented ladies.
- Barnoculars: This is my favorite in terms of creativity and overall brilliance through simplicity, Barnoculars. They may look like binoculars, but the only thing they’ll have you seeing is double. That’s because each “lens” is a chamber that can hold eight ounces. Which by my calculation is a whole pint of liquor! These separate chambers also mean you can easily smuggle in more than one type of booze. Excellent for couples who have a hard time deciding on just one.
- Water Bottles:
- If the venue or event your attending allows water bottles to be brought in, there are a couple of ways to take advantage of this. But make sure you leave the tamper evident cap in tact. Here is how that is done. It’s kind of complicated but worth it. First pick up a syringe at your local drugstore. Take an unopened water bottle and poke a whole through the bottom. Drain the water and use the syringe to refill it. Use a dab of hot glue to seal the mini hole. Yes, this takes a long time, but how dedicated are you to not paying a ton to get liquored up? You can also fill a water bottle and just glue the cap back in place. Depends how James Bond you feel that day.
- Snack Time:
- Buried Treasure: This method is the most awesome, but really only practical if you’re doing an overnight camping thing where they check your car etc. A few weeks before the event, scout out where the show, parking, and camping areas will be. It should be pretty easy to figure out. Now here is where it get’s awesome. Find an out of the way spot and get digging. Place your contraband in the hole and cover very well. Make damn sure you remember where you buried your treasure. I personally like to draw a little treasure map. Show up the day of the show, find your stash, dig it up, and enjoy the spoils of your treasure hunt. Bonus points if you dress like a pirate and bury the booze in a chest.
If the venue you are going to allows snacks you can sneak in liquor through your snacks. Take a syringe and pump those oranges, grapes, and strawberries full of booze. This will take some testing to get right. You can also make a vodka melon and slice it up to bring into the show.
Haydn Mac Nicol 